she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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