Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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