My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
