my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Randomize
