my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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