he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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