I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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