He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
