You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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