Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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