You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
please don't ironically join a cult
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