I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
