I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
