My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
