Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
