just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
