My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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