Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
