Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.