i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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