The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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