I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dick very happy bro
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
