Umm I'm too high to move.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
