I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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