RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
