I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
