Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
