At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
