I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
