I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
