If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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