he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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