thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
