Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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