what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize