thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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