sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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