when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
