just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
