Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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