Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
