i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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