If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
