Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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