Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
