It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
