and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
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When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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