i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
