I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
