Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
