forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
