did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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