i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
