They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
