You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I need to calm my uterus...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
