Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
