Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
